She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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