His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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