Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I party with great urgency now.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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