my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
