Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
