I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
