Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
