He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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