Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
