Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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