I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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