Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
