Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
