My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
