My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
