I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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