And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
