I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
