My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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