Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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