Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize