I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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