Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
