Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
