Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
