i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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