Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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