do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
