she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
