called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
