Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Let's get the cat blown out
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
