Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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