she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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