I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
