i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
