I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
