Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
