I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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