nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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