I just pynch a tree in the face
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
