6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
