Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
