my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
