Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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