my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
