Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
