Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
