In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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