the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
