Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just google imaged poop.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
