just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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