Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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