I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
