First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
