I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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